If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
