Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
