i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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