My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
