I am puke
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
