WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
whose ass print is on the piano?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
