the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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