Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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