and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
