how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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