This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
