nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
