i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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