Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
