I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
