I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
