Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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