Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You're like the curious george of whores
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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