I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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