I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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