Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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