your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
