I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize