Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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