I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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