im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
there's paper in my vomit.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
