Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
