Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
