Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
