dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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