Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
