The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
