If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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