I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
