You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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