Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
