I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
