I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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