OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
