Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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