new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
