If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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