Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
