The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
