NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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