Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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