I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just pee around me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
