i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
