How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
