I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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