I didn't shave. On purpose
i just made my gag reflex go away.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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