Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize