Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
