Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
