just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
