I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
