I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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