my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
it glows. i had to have it.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
