If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
