if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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