it wasn't lemon gatorade
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
