Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
