I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
