So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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