so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
